Saturday, December 27, 2014

The Historicity of Steve of Columbus

Hey friends,

Sorry for the delay in not getting this up before Christmas, but here it is.

"Once upon a time there was a man named Steve.  Steve was not an ordinary man.  Steve was a Steve.  If you don't understand that, then watch the 2000 film "The Tao of Steve", or just click here for an excerpt.  

Steve was born to fulfill a prophesy that a great man would be born to lead his people to Salvation, as it was told in the ancient texts.  While some of those prophesies may not have seemed like they were fulfilled exactly as expected, he was indeed the Steve that had been promised.

From humble beginnings, he was the son of an autoworker, raised in a modest home in the City of Columbus, Ohio.  But even from an early age he showed great intellect and prowess with tools.  Such as one day, when just a child, he was lost for some time.  Finally, his father found him in the design lab of his fathers office, critiquing the deign of a vehicle that was on the drawing table.  His father told him to come away from there, but the engineers were enamored with his conclusions, about how the rear end of the vehicle was not sturdy, and in an accident the fuel tank would likely rupture and cause a fire.  The engineers said to themselves, "no child could know our craft like this" and they were wary to believe him.  His father lead him away, asking him how he knew so much about structural engineering, to which he replied "my father knows these things, and so do I".  That car was the eventually released as the Ford Pinto, and it was as Steve said it would be.

Later, Steve grew to be a man, and performed many miracles and feats that no ordinary man could have.  He was very strong, and fought the Nazi's in WWII, bringing down the evil Lord The Red Skull, before being frozen in ice for many years.  But because he was a Steve, and not an ordinary man, he survived to be freed many years later, where he went on to fight for the salvation of humanity against threats both new and old, from this world and beyond.  He was a great man who carried a shield of his own making, because he was a defender of people and not an aggressor, a lover of peace and not war.

He trained for years though, in solitude in a cave underneath his families mansion, where he learned to be like the night. A shadow for justice, seeking vengeance on those that killed his parents.  He lived mostly off his great wealth that his father had earned in business, and modified many of them to serve peaceful purposes, and swore off suing firearms like the ones that killed his mother and father.  He lived in a high tower in the middle of a large metropolis that boldly proclaimed his family name, and let the world know that he was Steve, the actual savior of humanity sent by his father.  He built a suit of advanced materials that could fly, fire beams from it's hands, and protected him from harm (especially from being frozen again so that the world would always be protected.

Years passed though, and he defeated his most challenging foes.  He was later declared President of the United States of America.   He passed many laws that helped humanity, such as freeing the black slaves, feeding the poor, promoting civil rights, and fighting off the insurgent vampire population, knocking it back into hiding and in fear of humans.

Sadly, one day Steve died.  He knew it was coming, and wondered if someone else could take his place.  However, he realized that such a thing would force someone to put themselves in harms way, so he did not.  He said to his TV audience at the State of the Union address to not weep for what must happen, but to know that all people are Steve, and that he was return one day before any of them know he was gone.  With that last word, Steve was shot by a snipers bullet through the head.

A few weeks later, some of his cabinet swore that Steve had returned to them to remind them that they are all Steve's if they want to be, and all they have to do is believe in Steve and they can be saved like him.  Few believed them at the time, but to this day reminding yourself that "I am Steve" is said to make you invulnerable to death or injury, and if  you truly believe, you can live forever in Steve."

Now look at the story of Jesus as told in ANY of the Gospels.  Do you see how this analogy compares.  So at the end of the day, does it really matter if Steve is real or not?  Can we prove that, at the time of the story, that there may have really been a Steve?  A great man or not?  How does any of that honestly relate to the reality of the bible, or to the teaches that are based on biblical texts (because they are not the same thing, in case you haven't read the bible cover to cover).

I've heard some debate going back an forth over the historicity of Jesus lately, and this is kind of what I hear going on.  They are debating points that are likely irrelevant to the conversation of the "great debate".  Whether he was real or not (though most biblical teachings in the New Testament come from Paul's revelations and not from what Jesus actually said "when he was alive" in the Gospels.  So a guy that talks to a donkey is seen as the real source for Christian views on topics in a lot of cases.  Does that make it any better or does that make it worse?

That's it for me though for now.  Later.

-SR

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